Tales from the Heart: Healing and Loving Beyond Divorce

Trisha and Thomas speak with Paul and Robin Kulak on Seeds For Your Marriage podcast about healing from traumatic relationships. The conversation begins with an update on the fires in Lahaina, Maui, and how people can support the recovery efforts. Robin shares about her ministry, Rothen House, and Women of War, which focuses on intercession through worship.
Clip from Seeds For Your Marriage podcast interview.
Paul and Robin Kulak
Paul and Robin then discuss their journey of meeting and getting married, as well as their backgrounds and previous relationships. They emphasize the importance of finding identity in Christ and letting go of past trauma. Paul shares his perspective on supporting Robin through her healing process.

Paul and Robin also share their insights and experiences on building a strong and fulfilling marriage. They emphasize the importance of authenticity and vulnerability in relationships, as well as creating a safe and trusting space for open communication.
They also discuss the topic of intimacy and connection in the bedroom, highlighting the need to adapt and find alternative ways to foster closeness. Additionally, they touch on the importance of navigating the different seasons of life and trusting in God's plan. Overall, their advice centers around trust, unconditional love, and maintaining a sense of humor in marriage.
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Transcript

Trisha Walker: 0:00
This is the Seeds for your Marriage podcast, where we interview married couples who have overcome difficulties in their marriage and share their testimony of how they did it. We want these tips and tools to inspire and help you thrive in your marriage.

Thomas Walker: 0:15
We are Tricia and Thomas Walker relationship coaches. We teach couples proven strategies to connect deeply and achieve God's design for an amazing marriage.

Trisha Walker: 0:27
We're just welcoming Paul and Robin Kulak from Hawaii, from Maui, our beloved Hawaiian friends.

Thomas Walker: 0:38
Brothers and sisters in Christ that are living in paradise, although I know that not a lot of people would know, but you're near where the fires in Lahaina happened. We thought it might be nice. First of all, welcome to the podcast. It's just maybe an update, right, because the news always sensitizes people to the latest, but then, once the event is over, it fades into the back. The reality is that there are still people that are going through a very traumatic situation. Just any update that you can give or any encouragement as the citizens there in Maui recover.

Robin Kulak: 1:16
From the beginning I said that everybody's pouring in and coming out and doing all this stuff. If the news wants to dwindle down, it stops. I think it's at that point. I think we still have different churches and the American Red Cross and things like that that are helping, but definitely people are displaced. They're still struggling to find homes for all the people. The hotel is offered but only for X amount of time. They want tourism restored because they need to make money. There's a lot of people that are just camping out on their land with a tent or sleeping in a car on it. They haven't even begun the cleanup of the different lots and stuff. People are still trying to grieve. We haven't even grieved over our loved ones. That are gone. This is going to be a couple of years worth of rebuilding. Our nonprofit raised a little more $3,000 that we are going to put back into the church to be able to fund some more of whatever is needed.

Paul Kulak: 2:25
Our church has a little 10-acre plot across the street where they're held up by permitting and things like that, but they're planning on building 200 tiny homes.

Trisha Walker: 2:36
Well, definitely continue prayers going out to them on the island of Maui, I think you said also, Robin, just organizations like American Red Cross, even churches.

Thomas Walker: 2:47
There's King's Chapel that's there on the island. There's ways to certainly support in prayer and also in financial ways as well.

Trisha Walker: 2:56
Yeah Well, let's get right into it. Today we're talking about healing from dramatic relationships. Robin has a ministry called Rothenhaus. It's a nonprofit called Rothenhaus. She runs Women of War LLC. It's an intercession through worship. Tell us a little bit about just what you're doing through that intercession and how you're doing it.

Robin Kulak: 3:20
The Women of War intercession through worship is basically a social media platform that I started on Facebook. I also have a YouTube channel. Women of War actually has a URL website. It started off as something that I believe God says just give a encouraging word every morning, so Monday through Friday, I would jump on and give a scripture and just encourage hey, maybe have a great day, whatever. And it started kind of morphing into a teaching. I love to teach and it just started morphing into that. And then God just started bringing these different women on, initially women reaching out to me that I don't even know. That will say to me oh my gosh, your message today was right on point. I've been going through this, this, this and this. Can you pray for me? I mean, it's just awesome. I feel honored, it's an honor for me. You know, God bless that God would bring these women, that they would trust me enough to come alongside them. It's amazing.

Trisha Walker: 4:22
Yeah, that's great. So I know a little bit about just your journey, of how you met and how you got married and then moved from California to Hawaii, but I don't know a lot of your background and so just can you share a little bit about your story, a little bit of your background, how you met, and then just what you've come through in the process? Oh, I can start.

Paul Kulak: 4:43
Okay, god brought us together. I started praying for a godly wife, praying to Jesus. I would like you know this, this and this. You know, I would like a godly wife that is close to you and then is in prayer and worship. And so I was doing that and then, just one day, I just felt as urged to go into my email and remind you this was early 2020. And I hadn't been in my email since 2017. So it'd been like three years since I had even logged into my email, but I felt as urged to go into my email. So there's thousands of things in there. You know, it's where I'm just deleting stuff. And there was this dating, a Christian dating app, you know, and I just swiped it to delete it, but instead it opened. So, just out of curiosity, I created a little profile and there was Robin. The thing that strikes me is we should have never met because of my profile. I just put a five mile radius, just in my town. I would never have done anything like that on my own. I mean, I always thought who who meets someone online, you know. But then there was Robin, and then, you know, so we started chatting and I didn't think anything of it. She was in Hawaii. I mean, she was a whole ocean away. So I just thought I'd make a friend, you know, someone to talk to, like a pen pal or something, and about a month later I knew that she was the one.

Robin Kulak: 6:05
And I, on the other hand, going through this horrible divorce I mean it was horrible. And my baby sister tells me you need to get on a dating app and get back into dating. I said back into dating. What is that? What do you mean? Back into? I've never had a date in my life. And so she was in the profile on this Christian dating app and I started getting these emails and so I click on the thing and I'm like, oh my God, she did not. So it's like all these men are like emailing me now saying, hey, baby, I'll take you to Texas. All this. I'm thinking, are you kidding me right now? And so I'm like, how do I delete this thing? And then Paul popped up and there was a message and it said you have captivating eyes. That's all it said. And I thought, wait a minute, scroll down. You don't want to take me to wherever you are, are you sure? Everything else was just like what on a Christian app? And so all I said was thank you. And it was close to Valentine's Day. I think it was a couple of days away, february 11th. And so then he texted you know what are you in found? And I said nothing, just hanging out, and we just kind of chatted for a couple of days and he was like, do you have another app that we can text on, because I need to get off this? I couldn't, it was just too. I was already feeling defiled by these other men, you know, just like ugh. And so he texted me his phone number and I thought I was thinking about a text app, you know, because I don't like, nervous about all it is. But we just started texting. I deleted my profile and we just started started texting. Next thing, you know, we're talking on the phone.

Paul Kulak: 7:55
And the next thing you know, we're FaceTiming.

Robin Kulak: 7:58
And then I'm flying over.

Thomas Walker: 8:01
I love the progression. This, this it doesn't happen this way to in today's society like you know, you take a few steps and you move forward and you Just be patient, right? So there's something about the patience and the progression and taking stages that I think is good.

Robin Kulak: 8:18
I was in a really bad place and he and he was Patient, a patient listener. It wasn't like I was doing this and married and and I was really broken. It was like God established this friendship. He, that was huge. We laughed a lot, I cried a lot. It was amazing the way God put it together and I had a list that was a page and a half long of what I wanted in a man, because I definitely knew what I did not want, and so I had this list and he met every single thing on that list, except one thing.

Paul Kulak: 8:53
Yeah, that was. That was that was crazy when, when she finally showed me that list and we went over it, I mean I checked every box.

Trisha Walker: 9:00
No, robin, yeah, like I'd love to hear, because you said that you Just came out of a divorce right, and then you met Paul. So share with me just your journey of a serious relationship, committed marriage relationship before, and then that perspective of, okay, and now I've met this new person, and how do I not carry some of the old into this new relationship? Like, explain to me your journey with that.

Robin Kulak: 9:31
Very quick. I got married when I was 15. My dad married me off. This man was nine, almost ten years older than I was. He already had three kids, two of which I took care of. The baby was, I think, a year and a half and three years old. The one right above him it was. It was bad. I divorced him when I was 18 and Then he kept coming around. I'm different, I'm different, I'm different. So three years later, I made the mistake of marrying him again. As the kids got older, you know, there was a lot of verbal abuse, there was a lot of physical abuse, emotional stuff, and as the kids got older, he started being physical with them and I would get in the middle. They finally all moved out and escalated again and he hadn't worked for the last 15 years were together. He baked. He barely worked the whole 41 years and I was flying to a while for work. So I would go and stay for two weeks and then come home for two weeks and go and I would tell him I had to because it was my job, but really it was my escape. And he had a fair after a fair after a fair when we were married. Of my six kids, three are biologically mine, the other three are not by raised them anyway and and then in 2019 he decided he was gonna have another fair with somebody who is 22 years young we have kids older than her and and something just broke in me and God said enough. And and there were people, there were pastors. Throughout my journey, I got saved with the first Affair when I divorced him and and there were so many pastors and people that tried to tell me don't go back, don't do it, don't. You know. But the heart wants was the heart wants and I was kind of stupid at that point. I was young, I didn't know a whole lot about the Lord and, with my Catholic background and I come from a background of being abused, my parents were divorced when I was five. There was a lot of physical abuse. I came to live with my grandma because my mom died when I was nine. Prior to, my mom would send us all the time during the summers and stuff, and my grandmother didn't drive, so there was these elder men that would take us places and they would you know, they started Lesting me and doing all this stuff. So I, that was familiar to me, so the marriage Was familiar. Right, it seemed normal. It seemed normal. That's all I knew. And then, With the divorce. I really didn't expect anything else, but I remember telling God I don't want to be alone. I always had this concept in my head of what I wanted for marriage and I prayed for that man. 41 years I Sorry.

Trisha Walker: 12:16
Thank you for sharing.

Robin Kulak: 12:18
God had a different plan. It's okay, but back then I didn't see that right. I wanted to make it work, because I'm the Christian here. I got to make this work, I got to be faithful, I got to be loyal. And then, when this all happened and God said enough, I thought, okay, you're right enough. And so I felt for divorce and stuff. And Paul and I were already talking before I was divorced. But there was nothing there. As far as you know, it was more a friendship. It wasn't like I didn't even feel that way because I was so broken. Yeah, and then after the divorce, the day I got the paperwork in the mail the next day, I think it was he said so, can I? What did you say? Can we date now or can we date now?

Thomas Walker: 13:07
And I was like hell yeah, Because by then I liked him a lot.

Robin Kulak: 13:14
You know, it was kind of like, oh, this is different, but God had given me four specific things. When we, you know, when all this divorce and stuff was going on and it was actually that part of 2018, I guess in the beginning of 2019, god told me four things that he wanted me to do and they were piecemeal. He gave me the first one, a couple months later, the second, one third and then the third and the fourth. But one of the things God told me was do not take anything from the past into the future when we move. He said you do not, don't bring anything from your home to here. And I, you know, I thought that was material things. Right, all of me, wait a minute. All my kitchen gadgets, I can't bring them. None of my pots and pans, like wait what? Nothing. But there was an attachment, so I had to let it go because if not the attachment would come right and all of the memory with it and all of the junk. So I left it all there, only to realize that God was not just talking about that stuff. You know, in California, when I went, when Paul and I got married and I moved there with him for the two years that, that first year I think, I spent on my face, god was silent while I cried. I mean, it was like all I could do in the morning was get on my face and support the intercession and cry. It took me months before I could actually spit the words out of my mouth, but prior to us getting married I did. I didn't call the ex, but I called the woman that he had moved with and and I told her, I forgave her and it wasn't you know, because she started to explain how it all happened, I said I don't know, I'm not, I don't want to hear that I'm just, I am just releasing you, I forgive you and I'm letting you know because I'm not bringing this baggage of you and into my new marriage, into my new relationship.

Trisha Walker: 15:19
Yeah, I'm hearing so many powerful things so many powerful things that you have just steps that you took. One is just your you're listening, like opening your ears and your heart to God and what he's saying, like understanding his voice and how to hear him and and follow him and listen to him. And when he said enough is enough, like you were like, okay, this I'm done Right. And understanding, like letting him lead you through your healing journey, right. And yeah, the prayer, the intercession, allowing your heart a chance to grieve the unforgiveness, the you know that that's powerful unforgiveness and especially in a marriage relationship and and someone who actually was maybe the potential cause for when, one of the potential causes for the marriage to break up and to actually speak to that person and say I forgive you, that just releases so much like we don't realize how much unforgiveness we can hold we can hold in our hearts and how much it just blocks us from feeling free and having that connection with, with our Heavenly Father, right.

Robin Kulak: 16:36
But when we're able to just forgive and let go.

Trisha Walker: 16:40
It just it's like, it's like peace and freedom comes when I hear the soul ties you had. You even said I'm just leaving behind, even all the the things that, because there were just so many attachments and memories to all those things, like I just need to break all ties and a to break all soul ties with this person and and be able to move on. So I just applaud you when I and I just bless you, you both for this, the journey that God has ahead of you, and just all the women that are reaching out, reaching out to you for advice, for prayers, for for just even spiritual insight. Right, I think there's so much just from your journey, like we overcome by the blood of the lamb right. And by the word of his testimony right. So by you being able to share your testimony with women on this podcast and women that you talk to and on your Facebook page, Like it's giving women your testimony and how Jesus moved through your life To give them the understanding and the same breakthrough that they need in their life.

Paul Kulak: 17:43
That's one of the things that stood out most to me as early in our talking and just she was just pouring out and pouring out. But just even through all the brokenness and hurt and devastation in her life, I just saw this light and strength in her drew me to her. I mean, yeah, I just found that to be amazing.

Thomas Walker: 18:04
Yeah, paul, I was gonna ask you about that because I was thinking about the aspect of sometimes we watch people walk through things and Also we walk through things with people that we love, and you had a chance to see Robin walk through something and also walk through it with her. So just from a man's perspective here, like you said, you were able to see through the brokenness and see the beauty and the light that was inside of Robin, just how you supported, how you encouraged, how you were there on her side or by her side, and Just any wisdom that you can extract from your side of walking through this with with Robin.

Paul Kulak: 18:46
Well, I mean, it was really easy because it was just seeing her grow and, as she was having a epiphany after epiphany, my biggest thing was just having patience and just listening and you know, being, you know I have an empathy and compassion for her and just hearing her story, letting her let it, let it out, you know, not judging or in. I Think one of the biggest things it just convincing her that it wasn't her fault, that it wasn't anything that she did, it wasn't her fault, and just letting her cry and allowing her to cry and get it out and, just like I said, just their strength I saw and just the growth in those first few months, you know, as she was having these epiphanies, was just amazing. Just, I mean, I think just drew me closer to her.

Thomas Walker: 19:32
That's great.

Paul Kulak: 19:33
You know, just having the patience and just just listening, you know, I mean she did most of the talking and I would just interject there and now in the other. You will. Okay, you'll get through it. It's not your fault, you did everything right and just allowing her to just find herself. I think you know. I got to witness that. I got to witness her finding herself.

Robin Kulak: 19:52
That's beautiful. Yeah, I didn't know who I was. Definitely I knew I was a mother, I knew I was married, I was alive, I went to church, I you know good ministry. I did all this stuff, but Robin, the person that got me needed was law, somewhere, yeah, buried in the shuffle so that she could be, be and meet everyone else's need but home.

Trisha Walker: 20:20
Yeah, that identity though. Yeah, I understanding a deeper identity in Christ and what he says about you, and that was the first thing he told me.

Robin Kulak: 20:31
I said he gave me four things, right. The first thing he told me was take this year that was, in January of 2019, and get to know who you are in me not in you, not in Robin who you are. And that made me dig right. I had to dig deeper and that first year, when Paul says epiphany, it was like all these revelations, right. And then, after all of that, god got quiet and, like I said, and then it was a year of just. But I see now we don't see when we're in it, right. But that's where the trusting God comes in and, knowing that he's got my back, he's got the best for me and the surface things we're being dealt with. You know, yeah, I know who I am, this, I'm a child of God, you know, knowing all of that stuff. But then he needed to go deeper to get the roots out. And that hurt, that hurt, and he was quiet most of the time. But at the same time, even though he was quiet, he wasn't talking to me, he wasn't saying anything, he was doing a work. Still, nonetheless, he was doing a work and I said this on my platform with on Women of War. Our tears become our deepest prayers. Our tears are silent prayers that we can't even speak because it hurts so bad, but God knows.

Trisha Walker: 21:54
Yeah, that's beautiful. Yeah, and in that work, like in the pulling of roots and the journey of allowing him just to go deep and pull those roots right, he's planting seeds, whether we realize it or not, but acknowledging that he's planting seeds. So every root that he leaves out, he plants a seed, a good seed that's going to grow good fruit. So can you tell me, like some script scriptures that maybe you both have been able to lean on these last couple years that have helped you get through this journey that you've both been on?

Paul Kulak: 22:37
Yeah, I actually got a couple. It is better to dwell in the corner of the house than with a brawling woman. It is better to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious, angry woman. No, just kidding. I mean, there is truth in that. Yeah, there is.

Robin Kulak: 22:56
Oh boy.

Paul Kulak: 22:58
I mean my favorite one actually this was in my wedding vows was who so findeth the wife, findeth a good thing and obtaineth the favor of the Lord. Proverbs 18, 22 is one of my favorites. That, just as some of the other ones, you'll wear forth there more twain, but one flesh. What, therefore, god hath joined together, let no man put asunder. So I mean I take that very seriously, the vows that I took before God and before Robin, when I hold dearly to them. And husband loves your wives even as Christ also loved the church, so what men love their wives as their own bodies. I'm just grateful that God brought her to me when I just thank him every day that she's my wife.

Thomas Walker: 23:45
That's beautiful.

Paul Kulak: 23:47
Well, because at one point I thought I'd be alone for the rest of my life. But then I started praying for a wife and God brought me Robin, and I'm just joyous and grateful and thank him every day in my prayers.

Trisha Walker: 23:58
On the next episode of Seeds for your Marriage.

Thomas Walker: 24:02
Over 50 and in the bedroom.

Paul Kulak: 24:06
Yes, we are.

Thomas Walker: 24:09
That's the question, right there. That is the question.

Trisha Walker: 24:11
Any advice.

Thomas Walker: 24:12
Yeah, any advice for those who are listening, who are wondering what this is like.

Robin Kulak: 24:19
All right, where's honey really coming from right now?

Paul Kulak: 24:26
A lot different than when I was 20.

Trisha Walker: 24:28
Yeah, right, I'm sure. Thank you for listening to Seeds for your Marriage with hosts Krisha and Thomas Walker. We pray this episode has given you tips and tools on how to thrive in your marriage. Be sure to subscribe to this podcast and follow us on Facebook and Instagram at Trisha and Thomas.

Thomas Walker: 24:47
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